Missa's Page!

My thoughts and feelings!

Writer's Block: Relive in the moment
If you could relive one hour of your life so far, what would you choose and why? Would you do or say anything different? How do you think it would change your life?

If I could relive one hour out of my whole entire life so far..

I would relive the one night that I got to be with her. I can't really say that I would say anything different that what was said. I think maybe, I might have tried not to have been so "shocked" at the situation. You know, put myself more out there and tried a little harder to show her how it was that I felt. I don't really think that it would change too much of my life now, except maybe to know that I did let her know how I felt. Mostly I would relive it just to relive it. I think I would be okay if I relived that time over and over again for the rest of my life. I already relive it basically everyday in my head. That little bit of time out of my life, is the first time in a very very long time that I was actually happy.

I wish that I could feel like that all the time. That would be nice.

On the same token, that one hour of time, has caused so much confusion. So many questions in my head, that I just don't have the answers for and that I am not sure where to go to try and get answers. I really could live without that. So maybe that wouldn't be the best time to relive, and if I didn't relive that time, I wouldn't want to relive anything.

So now I am all confused again, which really, for me is nothing new. I don't think there is ever really a time that I have a clear head. My mind is always going. Back and forth and up and down..then it decides to run circles around itself. Oh well. Such is life I suppose.

Writer's Block: Change is good
If you could change one major thing about your life, whether a relationship, your job, your living situation, your school, etc., what would it be? Are you currently working toward a serious life transition?

That would be a really tough one for me. I am currently wanting to change so many things in my life that it would be really hard for me to choose just one of them to change. My relationship status I would like to change. I am just not exactly sure where that would take me if I changed it. Truthfully, even if I changed it I don't think it would change the way things are right now. Aside from the label of being "together" as opposed to not.

Deep down I would love to change my living situation. Yet at the same time I am okay with what I have now. I live with my mom, because I can't make it on my own. I hate the idea of being 24 with two kids of my own and yet I still live with my mom. I think that in a lot of ways it would be easier on me and my children if I was in my own place, as far as things being constant. Doing things my own way and not the way my mom does them would be a lot better too. I would feel bad if I left my mom though. She hasn't been in the best of health lately and even though I know the financial burden of 3 extra people doesn't help her, I know that having her grandbabies there helps her to make it through the days. So that really is a tough one. If I could change that one, I would get my own place but I would make sure that it wasn't too far away. In a place where I could see her whenever I wanted and not have things like time or amount of gas be an issue.

School is one thing I really do want to change, I never finished high school and I would like to either get my diploma online or get my GED. I have things that I want to do in my future and they require furthering my education. I am slowly working towards that one though. I really just need a few people that are going to kick me in the ass and get me going. I am not really motivated to do a lot of the things I need to. That makes it hard. It's like, I want to do it, and I know that I need to do it but I can't just jump in.

I would love to change the job area of my life. Currently I am in a jobs program where I get less then minimum wage to work a part time job that kicks my butt everyday. I don't mind being here and doing the work, it's just that I would like to be able to work a real job and get real pay for it. If I was getting paid at least minimum wage to be here, I wouldn't mind coming in everyday. I actually like being here. That is a wierd thing coming from me, because I have never worked before and I have always been the type of person who does anything I can to get out of doing stuff.

I know that if I changed the schooling aspect of my life it would really help out with the job part. I try to rationalize that if I could change my relationship that I would be more motivated to do some of the other changes on my own. See, so it is really hard to decide which would be the better one to change if I could.

Right now in my life, I am currently trying to change everything besides my living situation. I am not fully there yet but slowly I am getting my shit together so I can change my life and the direction that it is going.

Writer's Block: Last supper
If you had one night left to live, what would you do? Would you prefer to spend your final night with a loved one or alone? What would you choose for your last meal?

If I only had one night left to live...I would probably spend some time with all of the people who mean a lot to me. The ones who have been there for me. My family and my kids. A few close friends. I would want to spend as much time as I could with one special person who means the world to me. This person doesn't know how much she has affected my life. It really wouldn't matter what we were doing as long as I could have time with those few people. 

My last meal. That would have to be pot roast. Preferably made by my mom..because well..no one cooks like mom. It would have to have the potatoes and the carrots to go along with it.. Mmmm mmmm good. 

And now that I am hungry..I am going to go find food. 

Writer's Block: Are women or men bigger cheats?
A year ago, I would have said men are bigger cheats. Now though, I am not really sure. I have this friend, I love her to death really I do, but she cheats like no other. I have honestly never met anyone else that cheats quite like her. I don't think she would cheat any more or any less for any reason. There is no certainty that she won't get caught so it really wouldn't make a difference. She has actually been known to get herself caught on purpose just so she can see how long it takes someone to figure it out. It's crazy. I personally though, think cheating is wrong. It's not something that I have ever done, or plan to do. I think that if you don't feel the same about someone and you want to be with someone else you should just tell them. It might not be the most easy thing to do, but then again life isn't supposed to be easy. Any situation that involves cheating, can be avoided. You don't love them anymore, tell them. You aren't getting what you need from them, talk to them about it. Communication and Honesty, to me, are the most important things in any relationship. If you can't talk to your partner about things, then maybe you just shouldn't be with them. There are so many ways that you can get around having to cheat. Cheating always hurts at least one person, and in a lot of cases more then that. I don't see why people feel like they have to do it. 

Me personally, I do believe in marriage. I have been married, I am now divorced. I know people say that once you are married it is supposed to be forever or whatnot. I can't really say that I agree with that.

People change over time, no matter how well you know them. You could meet the most wonderful man/woman and date for years before deciding to get married. You eventually decide to get married and settle down and have a family. Things are good for a while. Then all of a sudden life just becomes too much. Your husband/wife snaps and loses it. Starts hitting you, hurting the kids, whatever. You are honestly going to tell me that you have to stay with that person for the rest of your life and just live in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship and give up on any chance of there ever being happiness with someone else because 15 years ago you decided to marry this person.

To me that is all just bullshit. Sorry, it's how I feel, I really don't mean to offend anyone. I will say though, that I don't think that you should view marriage as something that doesn't mean anything or like it is some sort of game. I don't think people should just wait a few months after the start of "dating" someone and then decide to get married. I have been in 2 very serious relationships both of which lasted over 3 years. I was so in love and wanted to get married but looking back now, obviously neither of them were the person I truly wanted to be with. Granted I am only 24 now, so when I was in those, I was young and stupid and just wanted to grow up. But even now, I see people who are with someone for a week and are already talking about the rest of forever with them. I think that now days people, for some reason are so hell bent on having someone and not being alone, that they will do whatever it takes to have someone there. Which I don't understand? What exactly is the problem with being single?

I haven't been with anyone since I left my ex husband which was a little over 3 years ago (and yea that includes sexually). People are always telling me that I need to put myself out there and that I need to find someone. Well, Why? I am fine being alone right now. I have a lot of issues in my life that I need to work through. Most days, I don't even like myself, let alone love myself, so how am I supposed to love another person? I do eventually want to find that special someone, settle down and live a happy life but I am not in any hurry to do it. I don't think it's right to go into a relationship knowing that I can't give it everything. Hell, to be completely honest, I have a friend, I have known her for about 2 years now. She is a lesbian, which never ever bothered me. I have always believed that a persons sexual preferences do not define who they are. Which, I guess is a good mentality for me to have since about a year ago, I started finding myself attracted to her. I have never felt the way I do about her about any other female. So now, I am constantly questioning my sexuality and I am not sure where any of this will lead. So until I do figure out what I want, I can't go into a relationship. Just because I wouldn't be able to be honest and I don't really think that starting a relationship without honesty is a good idea.

So anyways, yea. That is my thoughts on cheating and marriage and whatever else. I do tend to get way off of topic and just ramble forever. So I will leave you with this. Again, I have no intentions of offending anyone with things that I have said, and I am sorry if they do. 


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